Do you see what I see

I've started this post a dozen different ways, and I can't seem to figure out what exactly I want to say and how I want to say it. I have the blueprint in my head, but it's just not coming out right on the screen. So bear with me as I muddle my way through. Hopefully it makes sense in the end!

I feel like I spent quite a bit of my weekend talking about confidence and vulnerability, probably because they are two areas in which many of us struggle (if you don't, please tell me your secret!). One of the conversations I had involved our perceptions of ourselves vs. others' perceptions of us. I guess it was kind of like the Dove commercial but in a less superficial way. One friend mentioned that the way he sees himself is rarely, if EVER, the way his friends would describe him. Another friend shared that she consistently worries about people judging her and wonders what they think of her. And still another told me that she feels out of place sometimes because the way she expresses her thoughts and opinions is much different than the way many of her friends do. Honestly, the list goes on and on. We're all broken in some way, insecure about something. We see what others have and we wish we could have it, too. But the funny thing is, we're so focused on whatever desired trait those people have that we aren't able to see the crosses they bear.

Has that ever happened to anyone else? I remember when I first started getting involved last year, I would see people sitting in the chapel hours before/after Mass or wearing a scapular or praying a walking rosary and think "wow, they must be so holy." Or I'd see an interaction between two friends or a friend and her parents and think, "I wish I could have a relationship like that." Or I'd be walking with a friend through the dorm, stopping every 10 feet because someone wanted to say hi to her or give her a hug and would think how lucky she was to be so well-liked. Most of these interactions were with people I was just starting to become friends with so I didn't know them that well. I just assumed they had it all together because, from the outside, it looked like they did. Then, I started getting to know them better, and it became almost instantly clear that while they may not be struggling with the exact things I was, they were still struggling. I think this was a pivotal moment in my friendships because it allowed me to be infinitely more comfortable sharing my own insecurities and doubts. I mean, who wants to tell someone who seems to have everything together that they aren't super happy with who they are? It's hard enough to admit that type of thing to our closest friends...but someone we just meet? Probably not going to happen. Because we're worried what they'll think or how they'll react. What if they judge us or think we're strange? What if they start treating us differently? What will they think of us after we tell them? We're scared to be fully ourselves because we aren't comfortable with who we are and we judge ourselves far more harshly than anyone else ever will. We're our own worst enemies most of the time. Most people probably aren't even aware of our perceived "flaws," and it's certainly not something they dwell on, nor is it the first thing to come to mind when they think of us.

So why is it the first thing that comes to our minds? Or maybe it's not the first thing, but why is it such a dominating element? What will it take for us to accept ourselves and begin to see ourselves as others do, to see our beauty?  Because we are all beautiful sons and daughters of a King, and we deserve to embrace that fact, to own it, and to help each other discover or remember it each and every day. We have so much to offer, so many strengths. Maybe it's time we start focusing on them and sharing those parts of ourselves with the world. How would you describe your friends? That's probably how they would describe you, too :)

I found this post a few months ago, and I'm not exactly sure it fits here but I wanted to share it anyway because I think it's got a really great message :) So you're welcome. Haha.

Thinking & Driving

As I was driving home this morning from Mass and the library, I turned my radio off and just let my mind wander. Usually I have no idea how my thoughts transition from one topic to the next, but it tends to be a pretty interesting experiment. I went from thinking about phone calls I had to make to classes I need to take to trips I want to go on to things to get at the grocery store to blog post ideas to friends I would like to catch up with (and about a million other things in between but those were the more important ones). It was no shock that I eventually ended up on friends. The topic has been on my mind a lot the past year or so, as is evident by almost every post I write... Anyway, I started off thinking about how much I miss certain friends. You know, the ones you can sit and talk to literally for hours. The ones who never seem to run out of advice or stories or laughter or wisdom. The ones who challenge you to pick yourself up when you're down instead of letting you wallow in your perceived injustices. The ones who celebrate your accomplishments even more than you do. The ones who make time for you no matter how busy their schedules are. The ones who know your heart.

I miss seeing those friends. Yes, it's nice to be able to talk on the phone, text, Skype, and send emails, but it's not the same. Obviously I'm grateful for those means of communication since I wouldn't have any contact at all without them, but we all know that nothing beats a face-to-face meeting. (Plus with my shoddy cell reception, I end up missing a quarter of what the person on the other line ends up saying to me and try to make up for it by saying a lot of "uh huhs" and awkward laughter....) It reminds me of the quote toward the end of Shawshank Redemption when Red says "I guess I just miss my friend." Couldn't have said it better myself, Red.

But then another thought started to develop. Amidst the sadness came an overwhelming feeling of gratitude. Yes, I miss my friends. But that means that I have friends to miss. I'm incredibly blessed and grateful to have these types of friends in my life, because that hasn't always been the case for me. I grew up with the idea that friends were just people you complained to about your siblings, played sports with, or went to the movies with. And because I didn't know anything else, I didn't desire anything else. I thought that's what friendships were. It didn't occur to me that friends could be something other than boredom-chaser-away-ers (yes, that's a word). A couple months after I made my first "real" friend, we were sitting outside on her patio talking and she asked me something along the lines of "didn't you ever talk about this kind of stuff with your friends growing up?" When I replied with an awkward no..., she questioned what we did talk about. The only things I could come up with were movies, sports, and homework. Not a lot of growing going on there. And not much joy either.

That's not to say that I only want friends who are going to be joyful all of the time and committed to helping me grow every time we talk. That seems like an absurd and unattainable desire. We all have rough days where we just need our friends to listen to us complain for a little bit, but that shouldn't be the norm. I've had friendships like that before, and they're draining. It's hard to be positive around someone who's consistently down. But that's a discussion for another post. I'd rather focus on current friends, like M. M & I have spent this semester reading The Simple Path by Mother Teresa and Screwtape Letters by CS Lewis. Now we're starting Crossing the Threshold of Hope by Blessed (SOON TO BE SAINT!!!) John Paul II! I'm so excited to get into it. If you're looking for a way to keep in touch with a friend, I definitely recommend doing something like this! Anyway, we read a certain number of chapters each week and then talk about them over Skype. Usually we have so much to say to teach other that we end up talking for more than 2 hours! It was without a doubt one of the highlights of my week. Every single week. Mostly because I couldn't wait to hear what M had to say. That woman is a living saint, and she just has a way of saying the most beautiful things. I love it :) And she's just one of the women I've had the pleasure of getting to know better this winter/spring.

So the fact that I now have friends like the ones I described up there helps me be okay with missing them. Because I'd rather be missing them than hanging out with the alternative.


"O God, let me know you and love you so that I may find my joy in you; and if I cannot do so fully in this life, let me at least make some progress every day, until at last that knowledge, love and joy come to me in all their plenitude...On Earth then I shall have great joy in hope, and in heaven complete joy in the fulfillment of my hope" ~~St. Anselm 

7 Quick Takes: Office Edition

This seemed like the perfect way to get back into my blog, despite the fact that I'm two days late :)

1. Last Monday marked the last day of my accounting internship! I started waaay back in January, knowing absolutely NOTHING about taxes. Haha they really took a leap of faith giving me that internship. Luckily, I learned a thing or two along the way. Apparently they thought so, too, because they ended up offering me a full-time position!! Aaand they gave me the summer off so that I would have enough time to take the classes I still need. Bonus!

2. I was reflecting on the job offer and the break before it starts, and it reminded me a lot of the 5-month break I had in between my Philippines trip and the start of my internship. I can't say that I spent that time in the best way possible. So I feel like God is giving me a do-over. A chance to make some friends, do some growing, and actually enjoy the lack of responsibilities I have. Here's hoping!

3. Oh you weren't tired of hearing me say a variation of the word "intern" yet? Good! I think one of the most surprising things that happened while I was working was that I became closer to my friends. Because I was working 6 days a week, I had to be more intentional about my free time. Which was great!! I got to read 2 books with a friend and have weekly discussions about them over Skype. I got to see my friends on the weekends a few times and made a much better effort to see how they were really doing, instead of just hitting up small talk. It was so rewarding.

4. Two unfortunate events happened while I was interning. One night after work, I stayed late talking to a co-worker. She told me about a tradition in the office known as "Fiesta Wednesday." Basically, most of the partners on our end of the building are gone every Wednesday, so a couple of times a year, the north side brings in a bunch of food and they have a little party. Sounded great to me! I was at the store the following Tuesday picking up something to bring when it suddenly dawned on me that Fiesta Wednesday happened to fall on what we Catholics call Ash Wednesday...womp womp. No fiesta-ing for this girl. And wouldn't you know it, the same thing happened on Good Friday except the reason for this little shindig was that no one in the office had a birthday in March and we needed an excuse to bring in food. Hahaha. I thought it was very ironic that these celebrations happened on the ONLY TWO DAYS where we're asked to fast. What are the odds? Oh well, at least I know I'll be well-fed when I start again! ;)

5. One of my favorite things about being the intern was that people would bring me tax returns to do and say "here's an easy one for ya" as they were putting it on my desk. I doubt I'll get that treatment for much longer!!

6. Some of the women in the office were in the kitchen eating lunch one day, and somehow we got on the subject of how long everyone's been working at the firm and how things have changed since they started. Most of them have been there since before fax machines, voicemail, computer mouses, and Excel existed. That boggled my mind just a little bit! It'll be funny to see what our "voicemails" and "fax machines" will be.

7. I definitely had some reservations about being an accountant. I didn't particularly enjoy the classes I took in college, and I had no idea what to expect when I started working. But it turned out to be a wonderful experience. I reallly enjoy all of the people I work with, and I found that I didn't mind going into work each day. It was such a blessing.

I hope you've all been doing well! Can't wait to catch up on all of your blogs :)