Not Alone Series: Discernment

Putting in my two cents again this week amongst all the great women linking up with Jen!

I must admit that I don't think my vocabulary even included the word "discernment" until a little more than a year ago (thanks Catholic Church for enriching my lexicon, among other things ;) ), and for the first few months that people were talking about it, I didn't understand what the heck they were trying to get at. I mean, I got the fact that they were trying to distinguish between marriage and religious life, but the whole concept of discerning wasn't clicking. Plus, religious life had never even been on my radar, much less a possibility.

Coming from a background where you didn't rely on anything other than your own feelings and the opinions of those around you when making a decision, it was difficult for me to comprehend this notion of "listening to God" and asking for His help when I had a big decision to make. I can't even tell you the number of conversations I had with my friends (and continue to have!) about what it means for God to speak to you. At first, I thought they meant they could literally hear God's voice in their heads or in whatever room they were in, and since I had never had such an experience, I figured God just wasn't talking to me. Once my dumb ol' literal brain took it down a notch or twelve and my very patient saints-in-the-making friends depleted themselves of oxygen going over the concept ooonnnneee moooooorrrreeee tiiiiiiiiimmmmme, I finally began to appreciate the process a little more. I'm definitely not saying I'm some pro at being attuned to God's will  all day every day, but I certainly take things to pray more often and feel a little more confident that I can recognize when an idea comes from Him.

That being said, I'm sure it comes as no shocker that I haven't given the thought of discerning a particular vocation too much thought. I guess I feel more of a pull towards marriage and have always pictured myself as a mom. Though, oddly enough, I've never really thought of myself as a wife. I don't know if that has to do with growing up in a single parent household or seeing the very negative effects and aspects of relationships more than I ever saw the positives. It could be because I haven't had a healthy relationship to look to as a model for what two people should strive towards when they're building a life together. I don't know if it's because I've never had any close guy friends so I just don't know much about them other than what I've seen on TV, which is obviously very accurate so maybe I know more than I think...riiiiiight. What I do know is that growing up the way I did has made me very hesitant and nervous about relationships. There are all these unknowns surrounding relationships, and that's something that's really hard for me to deal with. I like knowing what I'm getting into and what to expect. As bad as it sounds, I like feeling like I'm in control. Of course, I know that relationships can be extremely beautiful things that lead both people to become holier, better versions of themselves. Obviously I've got a lotta bit of healing to go through before I'm ready to start dating, and I've also got to spend some time getting to know myself better. But this place I'm at right now, I doubt I would have been able to explain it at all even a year ago. I would have just told you that I haven't really thought about it, but I wouldn't have been able to admit to all the misgivings and fear. I wouldn't have been able to put into words why I don't let myself think about it too much, because that would have meant saying that stupid things like being the only single girl in my group of friends made me feel left out, like I was missing out on some inside joke that everyone else was enjoying, or things like maybe guys aren't interested in me because I'm not *insert-adjective-of-choice-here* enough. It would have meant admitting that there was a part of me, a small part but a part nonetheless, that wondered if it would ever happen for me. And I didn't want to think those things. I didn't want to show people that those kinds of things were affecting me. So, I buried them. And as is the nature of all buried things, they've begun to resurface. I'm just glad I have a much better support system and the added bonus of a little more wisdom and maturity this time around.

So where am I at in my discernment process? I'd say I'm at a point of contentment and growth. I know that God has amazing things in store for me and that He'll reveal them when the time is right, and I'm taking steps to be ready when that actually happens (because God may lift me all the way up to the basket, but I still have to be the one to put the ball in the hoop--Thanks Fr. Mike...hopefully this is the right one...if not, it's still a good one!). I'm currently in the middle of reading How to Find Your Soulmate Without Losing Your Soul and Mulieris Dignitatem. I'm having conversations with good friends about their experiences with relationships and the qualities they hope to find in a significant other, and I'm spending more time reflecting in prayer. But more on that next week :)

7 Quick Takes (12)

Linking up with Jen and her minions for another round of Friday fun.

1. I started two more classes this week, for a total of 3 for now. Next week I'll add another, and the week after that, I'll tack on one more. I'm verrrrrrry quickly beginning to question what the heck I was thinking when I signed up for all this work...tax research takes up way more time than I'd like it to!

2. I somehow managed to get myself on the elliptical every day this week! How did I do it you ask?Well, I've taken to rewarding myself for exercising of course. Though I think I need a new system because eating a bowl of ice cream after using the elliptical for 45 minutes feels like it's negating any sort of progress I may have made...

3. My love of SVU has been rekindled. It's not that I ever didn't like it. I just got a little burnt out after taking part in every marathon the show had one year (read: anytime I turned the TV on, SVU was on). Oddly enough, this behavior led to a little thing I like to call burn out, so I did the only sensible thing I could think of--went on a two year hiatus. (Oh, you know how to do things outside of the extremes? Do share.) But now it's back and I feel another addiction starting.

4. I just got a text from a friend asking me if I want to read an encyclical with her each week. Um yes. Yes I do. First up: Mulieris Dignitatem. I.Can't.Wait.

5. If you're looking for a good book to read, I definitely recommend And the Mountains Echoed. It's by the same author as The Kite Runner and A Thousand Splendid Suns, neither of which I've read but I've heard they're both great, too! I would try to describe it, but that's not something I excel at...my summaries usually go something like this: "well, it's a story. And it's about a family. And how that family interacts with each other. And it's a little sad but also really endearing." That doesn't make you want to read it? How odd. (but still go read it!!!)

6. Is candy crush saga something I should be playing?

7. My family and I played this game at my uncle's party this past weekend and couldn't stop cracking up. Well worth the 99 cents!

Not Alone Series: Intro

In keeping with my latest tardiness trend, I’m just now sitting down to write Tuesday’s intro post…oops. But now that I’m finally writing it, I’ll be able to look at everyone else’s posts! Now that’s what I call incentive. Don't forget to check out Morgan's blog for all the other perspectives!

If you’re new here, my name’s Jordan. According to some of my friends, I live in “southern” Illinois because I’m south of I-80, but what can you expect from people who hail from the suburbs but tell people they’re from Chicago? ;) Anyway, I graduated from the University of Illinois last spring after doing a little victory lap due to a change in major right before senior year. I started off as a speech pathology major until I started observing some of our grad students during their clinicals. I decided I needed something a little more black and white, so I switched to agricultural accounting and learned how to count corn. At least, that’s the joke everyone seems to make when I reveal the full name of my degree. I ended up moving back home after graduation since I didn’t have a job right away. After interning at a local accounting firm during this past tax season, the company ended up offering me a full-time position which I’ll be starting sometime in August or September. Until then, I’m just busy taking classes and visiting my friends. Now on to things you actually might be interested in—

Honestly, if you had asked me a month ago, or even a week ago, how I felt about being single, I’d probably tell you that I hadn’t really thought about it. I’ve been single my whole life, unless you count the lucky boy who got to hold hands with me at the skating rink from 3^rd through 6^th grade ;) Hahaha gotta love grade school “boyfriends.” Or the guy I dated for a month in high school, which consisted of us going to the movies on the weekends and out to dinner once. I went on a handful of dates in college but none of them amounted to anything other than a lot of anxiety over how to tell them I wasn’t interested in pursuing a relationship. I’ll save those stories for later, though, as this is just the intro post :)

So like I said, I haven’t given much thought to being single. Sure there are times where it’d be nice to have someone to go on a walk with or grab dinner with or join a kickball team with, but I can’t say I’m overwhelmed with those feelings or constantly thinking about them. In fact, more often than not, I think about being in a relationship and the first feeling that pops up is anxiety. I’ve never really had an example of a good and healthy relationship in my life, and I’m fairly certain the movies aren’t quite portraying an accurate picture… I actually talked to a few different friends about it all in the past week oddly enough, and I came to the conclusion that I need to take some more time to really get to know myself before I can think of entering into a relationship. I’ve never been one who relishes in reflecting and I seem to find any excuse to avoid it. So this week I’ve been challenging myself to spend some time each day journaling about things I’ve discovered about myself that day. It’s been a good exercise so far, though I doubt it’s going to wind up being the answer to all my problems.

So how do I feel about being single? For now, I feel pretty okay about it, especially since there’s a lot I need to do before I can begin to think of being in a selfless relationship!