Not Alone Series: Discernment

Putting in my two cents again this week amongst all the great women linking up with Jen!

I must admit that I don't think my vocabulary even included the word "discernment" until a little more than a year ago (thanks Catholic Church for enriching my lexicon, among other things ;) ), and for the first few months that people were talking about it, I didn't understand what the heck they were trying to get at. I mean, I got the fact that they were trying to distinguish between marriage and religious life, but the whole concept of discerning wasn't clicking. Plus, religious life had never even been on my radar, much less a possibility.

Coming from a background where you didn't rely on anything other than your own feelings and the opinions of those around you when making a decision, it was difficult for me to comprehend this notion of "listening to God" and asking for His help when I had a big decision to make. I can't even tell you the number of conversations I had with my friends (and continue to have!) about what it means for God to speak to you. At first, I thought they meant they could literally hear God's voice in their heads or in whatever room they were in, and since I had never had such an experience, I figured God just wasn't talking to me. Once my dumb ol' literal brain took it down a notch or twelve and my very patient saints-in-the-making friends depleted themselves of oxygen going over the concept ooonnnneee moooooorrrreeee tiiiiiiiiimmmmme, I finally began to appreciate the process a little more. I'm definitely not saying I'm some pro at being attuned to God's will  all day every day, but I certainly take things to pray more often and feel a little more confident that I can recognize when an idea comes from Him.

That being said, I'm sure it comes as no shocker that I haven't given the thought of discerning a particular vocation too much thought. I guess I feel more of a pull towards marriage and have always pictured myself as a mom. Though, oddly enough, I've never really thought of myself as a wife. I don't know if that has to do with growing up in a single parent household or seeing the very negative effects and aspects of relationships more than I ever saw the positives. It could be because I haven't had a healthy relationship to look to as a model for what two people should strive towards when they're building a life together. I don't know if it's because I've never had any close guy friends so I just don't know much about them other than what I've seen on TV, which is obviously very accurate so maybe I know more than I think...riiiiiight. What I do know is that growing up the way I did has made me very hesitant and nervous about relationships. There are all these unknowns surrounding relationships, and that's something that's really hard for me to deal with. I like knowing what I'm getting into and what to expect. As bad as it sounds, I like feeling like I'm in control. Of course, I know that relationships can be extremely beautiful things that lead both people to become holier, better versions of themselves. Obviously I've got a lotta bit of healing to go through before I'm ready to start dating, and I've also got to spend some time getting to know myself better. But this place I'm at right now, I doubt I would have been able to explain it at all even a year ago. I would have just told you that I haven't really thought about it, but I wouldn't have been able to admit to all the misgivings and fear. I wouldn't have been able to put into words why I don't let myself think about it too much, because that would have meant saying that stupid things like being the only single girl in my group of friends made me feel left out, like I was missing out on some inside joke that everyone else was enjoying, or things like maybe guys aren't interested in me because I'm not *insert-adjective-of-choice-here* enough. It would have meant admitting that there was a part of me, a small part but a part nonetheless, that wondered if it would ever happen for me. And I didn't want to think those things. I didn't want to show people that those kinds of things were affecting me. So, I buried them. And as is the nature of all buried things, they've begun to resurface. I'm just glad I have a much better support system and the added bonus of a little more wisdom and maturity this time around.

So where am I at in my discernment process? I'd say I'm at a point of contentment and growth. I know that God has amazing things in store for me and that He'll reveal them when the time is right, and I'm taking steps to be ready when that actually happens (because God may lift me all the way up to the basket, but I still have to be the one to put the ball in the hoop--Thanks Fr. Mike...hopefully this is the right one...if not, it's still a good one!). I'm currently in the middle of reading How to Find Your Soulmate Without Losing Your Soul and Mulieris Dignitatem. I'm having conversations with good friends about their experiences with relationships and the qualities they hope to find in a significant other, and I'm spending more time reflecting in prayer. But more on that next week :)