Not Alone Series: Discernment

Putting in my two cents again this week amongst all the great women linking up with Jen!

I must admit that I don't think my vocabulary even included the word "discernment" until a little more than a year ago (thanks Catholic Church for enriching my lexicon, among other things ;) ), and for the first few months that people were talking about it, I didn't understand what the heck they were trying to get at. I mean, I got the fact that they were trying to distinguish between marriage and religious life, but the whole concept of discerning wasn't clicking. Plus, religious life had never even been on my radar, much less a possibility.

Coming from a background where you didn't rely on anything other than your own feelings and the opinions of those around you when making a decision, it was difficult for me to comprehend this notion of "listening to God" and asking for His help when I had a big decision to make. I can't even tell you the number of conversations I had with my friends (and continue to have!) about what it means for God to speak to you. At first, I thought they meant they could literally hear God's voice in their heads or in whatever room they were in, and since I had never had such an experience, I figured God just wasn't talking to me. Once my dumb ol' literal brain took it down a notch or twelve and my very patient saints-in-the-making friends depleted themselves of oxygen going over the concept ooonnnneee moooooorrrreeee tiiiiiiiiimmmmme, I finally began to appreciate the process a little more. I'm definitely not saying I'm some pro at being attuned to God's will  all day every day, but I certainly take things to pray more often and feel a little more confident that I can recognize when an idea comes from Him.

That being said, I'm sure it comes as no shocker that I haven't given the thought of discerning a particular vocation too much thought. I guess I feel more of a pull towards marriage and have always pictured myself as a mom. Though, oddly enough, I've never really thought of myself as a wife. I don't know if that has to do with growing up in a single parent household or seeing the very negative effects and aspects of relationships more than I ever saw the positives. It could be because I haven't had a healthy relationship to look to as a model for what two people should strive towards when they're building a life together. I don't know if it's because I've never had any close guy friends so I just don't know much about them other than what I've seen on TV, which is obviously very accurate so maybe I know more than I think...riiiiiight. What I do know is that growing up the way I did has made me very hesitant and nervous about relationships. There are all these unknowns surrounding relationships, and that's something that's really hard for me to deal with. I like knowing what I'm getting into and what to expect. As bad as it sounds, I like feeling like I'm in control. Of course, I know that relationships can be extremely beautiful things that lead both people to become holier, better versions of themselves. Obviously I've got a lotta bit of healing to go through before I'm ready to start dating, and I've also got to spend some time getting to know myself better. But this place I'm at right now, I doubt I would have been able to explain it at all even a year ago. I would have just told you that I haven't really thought about it, but I wouldn't have been able to admit to all the misgivings and fear. I wouldn't have been able to put into words why I don't let myself think about it too much, because that would have meant saying that stupid things like being the only single girl in my group of friends made me feel left out, like I was missing out on some inside joke that everyone else was enjoying, or things like maybe guys aren't interested in me because I'm not *insert-adjective-of-choice-here* enough. It would have meant admitting that there was a part of me, a small part but a part nonetheless, that wondered if it would ever happen for me. And I didn't want to think those things. I didn't want to show people that those kinds of things were affecting me. So, I buried them. And as is the nature of all buried things, they've begun to resurface. I'm just glad I have a much better support system and the added bonus of a little more wisdom and maturity this time around.

So where am I at in my discernment process? I'd say I'm at a point of contentment and growth. I know that God has amazing things in store for me and that He'll reveal them when the time is right, and I'm taking steps to be ready when that actually happens (because God may lift me all the way up to the basket, but I still have to be the one to put the ball in the hoop--Thanks Fr. Mike...hopefully this is the right one...if not, it's still a good one!). I'm currently in the middle of reading How to Find Your Soulmate Without Losing Your Soul and Mulieris Dignitatem. I'm having conversations with good friends about their experiences with relationships and the qualities they hope to find in a significant other, and I'm spending more time reflecting in prayer. But more on that next week :)

Some musings on friendship

After thinking a little more about last night's post, I've decided to dedicate this week of blog posts to friendship (aka I thought of something that I didn't get to say yesterday and I need an excuse to bring up my friends again). With my track record, we're looking at anywhere from 2 to 4 posts since I've never had something to say every day for a week. But friendship is something we've all struggled with at one time or another so maybe I'll break my record this week.

Aaaaaaanyway, we're headed back to Saturday night on the floor of my friend's room for today's thoughts. At one point during our emotion-wreaking catch-up session, the conversation turned to being vulnerable. Both of us have been hurt by friends in the past (as I'm sure everyone who's ever had a friend has experienced), and, like you, we developed defense mechanisms for dealing with the pain. Instead of dealing with the emotions, we find ourselves pulling away from other friends and getting lost in our work. We over-schedule our days and stretch ourselves too thin. We join more clubs or volunteer to pick up someone's shift or actually read the book assigned for class. We put all of our energy into proving something--proving we're good students or good athletes or good workers. Anything to keep from having even 5 minutes of unplanned time during the day where we'd be forced to think about how much it hurts when our friends pull away from us. But what we don't realize is how much worse this approach makes it. Sure it might seem like a good plan for awhile--hey we're not getting hurt, right? WRONG. We are hurting; it's just in a different way. Maybe we've stopped ourselves from feeling some of the pain of no longer having that friend in our lives. Actually, is that even true? I don't know about you, but my thoughts seem to go straight to whatever it is I don't want to think about as soon as I get in the shower or settle into bed. So it doesn't even matter how jam packed I make my day, the hurt still finds a way in. But I digress. There are two things I think we lose when we choose to bury our feelings.

First is the chance to learn from the experience and reflect on what, if anything, we could or would do differently next time. I tried to convince myself that I did this after the whole falling out with L from the last post, but oh how wrong I was. My "reflection" consisted of a decision to essentially stop contacting my friends. I would sit around and wait for them to ask me to do something or invite me to go somewhere because I was so worried that I would be imposing myself on them. I wouldn't even suggest something as small as what route we should take to get to class. This worked out about as well as you'd expect and resulted in me becoming pretty good friends with my TV and couch. It wasn't until I started my journey to Catholicism that I started taking more time to see how absolutely asinine this approach was and how little reflection I had really done. I wasn't reflecting at all; I was simply responding to being hurt by doing the exact opposite of what I had been doing. And yes, it was important that I stop doing some of the things I had been doing (texting incessantly, being jealous, and expecting her to hang out with me every weekend I went home). But not all of my actions were bad. And that's what I didn't see before. I should contact my friends and tell them how great they are (because who doesn't love hearing that??). I should be the one who comes up with things to do sometimes (because no one wants to have to suggest things alllll the time). I also learned how important it is to have more than one friend (you don't say...). It just had never been a problem for me before. When you both only have one friend, it just doesn't come up I guess. Anyway, moral of this point: I've realized how important it is to honestly reflect on experiences, especially the painful ones.

The second thing I think we lose by refusing to be vulnerable is our ability to be a good friend to the ones we still have. What does it mean to be a good friend? I think half the battle is being available and the other half is being vulnerable (any other halves you can think of?). Sometimes that's all we need--someone to be there when we need to vent about our sister, cry about our boyfriend, or laugh about our creepy blog-stalking. We may not even need the other person to say anything; it's enough to know they're on the other end of the phone/bed listening to us pour our hearts out. But if we're too busy being busy so that we don't have to deal with our wounds, we can't be available to our friends. And while they may understand in the beginning (after all, we all have to cancel plans for whatever reason every now and then), I've discovered that you'll quickly find yourself wondering why no one has called or texted you all week asking if you want to grab coffee if you never commit to any plans. You just can't be friends with someone you never spend any time with. And when you are spending time with a friend, I think it's important to be present and vulnerable. How many times have you been in the middle of an intense story only to have the person you're talking to check whatever text just came in? Does that bother anyone else? I mean, if we're just sitting around watching TV or talking about my cat following me into the bathroom every.single.time I get up to go, then fine, check the message. But come on, know when it's okay! (I almost tripped getting off my soapbox there.) Anyway, I just think it's important to be vulnerable if we want something more than surface friendships. This is something I'm still struggling with, but within the past year, I've realized how vital that vulnerability is to any good relationship. But it's hard, isn't it? It's hard putting yourself out there without knowing how the other person is going to react to whatever you have to say. It's hard letting someone in when it's caused so much hurt in the past. But isn't it harder never having anyone to share things with? Isn't it harder not being able to bounce ideas or insecurities off of someone else? Maybe it's just me, but I need others' opinions on things. I don't know everything, nor have I experienced everything life has to offer, so I value the insights others can offer. And even though there's a chance that I may get hurt by opening up to a friend, I now know that God gives me those opportunities for a reason. We're not meant to be alone, so we might as well make the most of the friendships we're blessed with, even though it means facing whatever fear or insecurity we're plagued with. I can't promise you'll never get hurt again; we're human and can't help making mistakes. But I can tell you that I've never had better friends than the ones  I've made since letting go of some of my fears and telling myself it's okay to be vulnerable. I have to remind myself of that every time I question whether or not I should leave a comment, make a phone call, or offer a shoulder to cry on.

Don't worry, I'll get back to the lighter posts soon! I promise I don't always spend this much time thinking about things :)

Childhood Dream Realized

I don't know what it is about adults asking kids what they want to be when they grow up, but I'm pretty sure that question has been around since the beginning of time. I wonder if Adam and Eve's kids fantasized about being snake charmers (too soon?) or if Noah's son dreamed of being of vet. Throughout my whole life, I don't think I've ever expressed more than 2 or 3 answers to that questions. Unlike most kids who change their answer between morning snack and brunch, I stuck to my guns. I was sure I knew what I wanted to do. Or at least I was sure I knew what everyone told me I wanted to do. I wanted to be a teacher (real original, right?). I'm not sure what fascinated me so much about the teaching profession. Oh wait, yes I do--Summers. Off. What kid wouldn't be attracted by that tantalizing offer??

Then I grew up and realized teaching combines two of my worst fears--having all the attention on me and speaking in public--and quickly changed career paths. (More on that later, but my second choice wasn't a much better fit for me... )Anyway, back to teaching. I REALLY dislike speaking in public. It doesn't matter how big my audience is or how old they are. I would rather give up ice cream for the rest of my life than speak in public. Okay, maybe that's a teensy bit drastic, especially considering I'd rather lose my left pinky than give up ice cream for life, but it's a close third. Every time I go to speak in front of people, I experience the classic symptoms of anxiety--my heart starts beating like it's trying to set some Olympic record I'm not aware of, I sweat more than the people doing BWW blazin' wings challenge, words cease to enter my mind, and my face decides to have a contest with the nonexistent lobster in the room to see who can become redder. I'm always surprised anyone actually understands anything I said when I finally get done. Or maybe they don't and they're just too polite to say anything to the girl who looks like she just got done climbing Mount Everest after giving a 3-5 minute speech about herself.

But then something very strange happens. As soon as I finish presenting whatever information I was forced to convey to a room full of people who probably couldn't care less, I forget the entire ordeal. It's like it never even happened. I don't mean I just put it behind me and pretend I gave a performance that rivaled the likes of this guy. I mean I literally forget the entire experience. I can't tell you if I covered all my points or if my transitions made sense or if anyone was actually listening to me. It's like my mind represses the memory before I even have the chance to decide if it needs to be repressed or not as I'm sure this well known girl wishes she could do.

At this point, I'm sure you're all thinking "that's great, Jordan. So don't take a job where you have to speak in front of large groups of people. Doesn't seem that hard. Why are you rambling on about this?" Well my faithful reader(s?), I'm glad you asked (but I'm more glad that I asked for you because I like being able to answer my own questions. I take after Dwight in this. Remember in season 7, episode 23 after he shoots the gun off in the office and has this conversation with Jo? Dwight: Okay. Did I make a mistake? Yes. Do I regret the decision that I made? Yes. Jo: Oh, stop asking yourself easy questions so you can look like a genius.) And now that I've successfully lost everyone who doesn't watch The Office and am starting to lose even those of you who have, HERE'S THE PURPOSE OF THE WHOLE POST! Thanks for hanging in there, but I did promise more rambling ;)

Tomorrow my childhood dream will be realized, despite not going to college for teaching and not conquering my fear of sharing my thoughts with a room full of people. But none of that really matters because I've been given the opportunity to help out in a religious education class every Wednesday night! That's right. This little convert (revert? baptized-as-a-baby-but-didn't-receive-first-communion-or-confirmation-for-22-more years-er?) is going to be helping out in the 1st grade classroom at a nearby parish. Apparently God thought it was time for me to conquer a fear or two, so please pray for the souls of the little first graders who are stuck blessed with my presence all year ;) Lucky for me, I don't think the kids will care too much if I say 'um' every other word or don't stare into each of their eyes the whole time. Plus I think it's going to be a ton of fun! I'll be sure to let you know all about it.

And now for some pictures so that I can attempt to live up to my self-named blog

This sweet drawing was in the bar we went to for my uncle's birthday. So many questions raised...

Mom wanted to make sure the twins made it home safely.

 That's all for tonight, friends. Thank you for your support.