Do you see what I see

I've started this post a dozen different ways, and I can't seem to figure out what exactly I want to say and how I want to say it. I have the blueprint in my head, but it's just not coming out right on the screen. So bear with me as I muddle my way through. Hopefully it makes sense in the end!

I feel like I spent quite a bit of my weekend talking about confidence and vulnerability, probably because they are two areas in which many of us struggle (if you don't, please tell me your secret!). One of the conversations I had involved our perceptions of ourselves vs. others' perceptions of us. I guess it was kind of like the Dove commercial but in a less superficial way. One friend mentioned that the way he sees himself is rarely, if EVER, the way his friends would describe him. Another friend shared that she consistently worries about people judging her and wonders what they think of her. And still another told me that she feels out of place sometimes because the way she expresses her thoughts and opinions is much different than the way many of her friends do. Honestly, the list goes on and on. We're all broken in some way, insecure about something. We see what others have and we wish we could have it, too. But the funny thing is, we're so focused on whatever desired trait those people have that we aren't able to see the crosses they bear.

Has that ever happened to anyone else? I remember when I first started getting involved last year, I would see people sitting in the chapel hours before/after Mass or wearing a scapular or praying a walking rosary and think "wow, they must be so holy." Or I'd see an interaction between two friends or a friend and her parents and think, "I wish I could have a relationship like that." Or I'd be walking with a friend through the dorm, stopping every 10 feet because someone wanted to say hi to her or give her a hug and would think how lucky she was to be so well-liked. Most of these interactions were with people I was just starting to become friends with so I didn't know them that well. I just assumed they had it all together because, from the outside, it looked like they did. Then, I started getting to know them better, and it became almost instantly clear that while they may not be struggling with the exact things I was, they were still struggling. I think this was a pivotal moment in my friendships because it allowed me to be infinitely more comfortable sharing my own insecurities and doubts. I mean, who wants to tell someone who seems to have everything together that they aren't super happy with who they are? It's hard enough to admit that type of thing to our closest friends...but someone we just meet? Probably not going to happen. Because we're worried what they'll think or how they'll react. What if they judge us or think we're strange? What if they start treating us differently? What will they think of us after we tell them? We're scared to be fully ourselves because we aren't comfortable with who we are and we judge ourselves far more harshly than anyone else ever will. We're our own worst enemies most of the time. Most people probably aren't even aware of our perceived "flaws," and it's certainly not something they dwell on, nor is it the first thing to come to mind when they think of us.

So why is it the first thing that comes to our minds? Or maybe it's not the first thing, but why is it such a dominating element? What will it take for us to accept ourselves and begin to see ourselves as others do, to see our beauty?  Because we are all beautiful sons and daughters of a King, and we deserve to embrace that fact, to own it, and to help each other discover or remember it each and every day. We have so much to offer, so many strengths. Maybe it's time we start focusing on them and sharing those parts of ourselves with the world. How would you describe your friends? That's probably how they would describe you, too :)

I found this post a few months ago, and I'm not exactly sure it fits here but I wanted to share it anyway because I think it's got a really great message :) So you're welcome. Haha.

Thinking & Driving

As I was driving home this morning from Mass and the library, I turned my radio off and just let my mind wander. Usually I have no idea how my thoughts transition from one topic to the next, but it tends to be a pretty interesting experiment. I went from thinking about phone calls I had to make to classes I need to take to trips I want to go on to things to get at the grocery store to blog post ideas to friends I would like to catch up with (and about a million other things in between but those were the more important ones). It was no shock that I eventually ended up on friends. The topic has been on my mind a lot the past year or so, as is evident by almost every post I write... Anyway, I started off thinking about how much I miss certain friends. You know, the ones you can sit and talk to literally for hours. The ones who never seem to run out of advice or stories or laughter or wisdom. The ones who challenge you to pick yourself up when you're down instead of letting you wallow in your perceived injustices. The ones who celebrate your accomplishments even more than you do. The ones who make time for you no matter how busy their schedules are. The ones who know your heart.

I miss seeing those friends. Yes, it's nice to be able to talk on the phone, text, Skype, and send emails, but it's not the same. Obviously I'm grateful for those means of communication since I wouldn't have any contact at all without them, but we all know that nothing beats a face-to-face meeting. (Plus with my shoddy cell reception, I end up missing a quarter of what the person on the other line ends up saying to me and try to make up for it by saying a lot of "uh huhs" and awkward laughter....) It reminds me of the quote toward the end of Shawshank Redemption when Red says "I guess I just miss my friend." Couldn't have said it better myself, Red.

But then another thought started to develop. Amidst the sadness came an overwhelming feeling of gratitude. Yes, I miss my friends. But that means that I have friends to miss. I'm incredibly blessed and grateful to have these types of friends in my life, because that hasn't always been the case for me. I grew up with the idea that friends were just people you complained to about your siblings, played sports with, or went to the movies with. And because I didn't know anything else, I didn't desire anything else. I thought that's what friendships were. It didn't occur to me that friends could be something other than boredom-chaser-away-ers (yes, that's a word). A couple months after I made my first "real" friend, we were sitting outside on her patio talking and she asked me something along the lines of "didn't you ever talk about this kind of stuff with your friends growing up?" When I replied with an awkward no..., she questioned what we did talk about. The only things I could come up with were movies, sports, and homework. Not a lot of growing going on there. And not much joy either.

That's not to say that I only want friends who are going to be joyful all of the time and committed to helping me grow every time we talk. That seems like an absurd and unattainable desire. We all have rough days where we just need our friends to listen to us complain for a little bit, but that shouldn't be the norm. I've had friendships like that before, and they're draining. It's hard to be positive around someone who's consistently down. But that's a discussion for another post. I'd rather focus on current friends, like M. M & I have spent this semester reading The Simple Path by Mother Teresa and Screwtape Letters by CS Lewis. Now we're starting Crossing the Threshold of Hope by Blessed (SOON TO BE SAINT!!!) John Paul II! I'm so excited to get into it. If you're looking for a way to keep in touch with a friend, I definitely recommend doing something like this! Anyway, we read a certain number of chapters each week and then talk about them over Skype. Usually we have so much to say to teach other that we end up talking for more than 2 hours! It was without a doubt one of the highlights of my week. Every single week. Mostly because I couldn't wait to hear what M had to say. That woman is a living saint, and she just has a way of saying the most beautiful things. I love it :) And she's just one of the women I've had the pleasure of getting to know better this winter/spring.

So the fact that I now have friends like the ones I described up there helps me be okay with missing them. Because I'd rather be missing them than hanging out with the alternative.


"O God, let me know you and love you so that I may find my joy in you; and if I cannot do so fully in this life, let me at least make some progress every day, until at last that knowledge, love and joy come to me in all their plenitude...On Earth then I shall have great joy in hope, and in heaven complete joy in the fulfillment of my hope" ~~St. Anselm 

Theme of the month

I don't know if you ladies have ever felt like your semesters have had themes or not (I also don't know how acceptable it is to split your life into semesters once you're out of college but that's consideration for another post. Hahaha), but I feel like a current theme in my life has been friendship. It's been on my mind sooooo much lately, so I figured it made sense to devote a post to it. Hopefully it won't be tooo similar to things I've said in the past, because I realize that this isn't the first time I've written about my thoughts on friendship.

Now on to the new reflections :)

I think I mentioned in my last post that one of the best parts about the conference I went to was the conversations I had with friends. Well, another highlight was a talk I went to about friendship. One of the things the speaker said that really stuck out to me was that we'll likely only have one or two really good, virtuous friends in our lives--friends who will encourage us to grow in holiness, help us become saints, and offer us fraternal corrections when needed. When she said this, I was a little taken aback, not to mention a little disappointed, mostly because those are the kinds of friendships I strive to have. I don't want to have just a bunch of acquaintances who don't really know me. I want to have the kind of virtuous friendships she described. I want friends who will challenge me to become the best version of myself. I want friends who actually want to know how I'm doing when they ask. So that week, while we were still in Orlando, I started thinking of ways to make that happen, and I haven't stopped thinking about it since. Here's what I've been coming up with...

1. Instead of focusing on my lack of friendships at home, I've been concentrating on solidifying the friendships I developed last year. This has been an extremely fruitful exercise. I'm sure part of it has to do with the fact that I'm working now so I don't have as much time to obsess over all the things I'm missing out on by not being around my friends, but I've definitely seen a big difference simply due to the fact that I'm focusing on the positive instead of the negative. Plus, this new outlook has given me the opportunity to get to know my friends better, and it's been so good getting to that next level. I'm hoping to continue the trend with a few more friends each month. It'll definitely be easier with some than others, but I think I'm up for the challenge ;)

2. I've realized, with the help of a wonderful friend (who might be started a blog soon!! eeeeee!!), that I need to consider what wounds from past friendships might be holding me back from becoming better friends with the current people in my life. And not only do I need to recognize them, but I need to be willing to bring them up with the other person so that she can understand where I'm coming from. I hadn't really thought about it before this weekend, but I've actually done that with those few people who I'd consider my closest friends. And now that I know that's what I did, I can continue to do it when I feel like the time is right. Praise God for intuitive friends who are willing to listen to me go on and on about things I've been thinking about!

3. I'm reading A Simple Path by Bl. Mother Teresa, and in the introduction, someone described how people used to feel when she was talking to them. It was something along the lines of Mother Teresa gave her full and undivided attention to the person she was with and made them feel like the most important person in her life. In an effort to emulate her, I decided that anytime I'm talking to someone, I would silence my phone so that I wouldn't be tempted to answer a call or text while we were in the middle of a discussion. Because honestly, there aren't many more annoying things than trying to have a serious conversation with a friend who insists on responding to a text message in the middle of your story. Sure they claim to be listening to you, but we all know we can't listen to someone and type out a message at the same time--neither activity is receiving our full attention so we only end up hearing half of what our friend is saying to us and we end up sending a message that makes no sense. As a result of this newly implemented plan, people have been forced to call the person I'm with to get ahold of me. Hahaha that may or may not defeat the purpose of my exercise...

Well, that's probably enough for now. There's an episode of Parenthood calling my name and I still have to pack my lunch for work tomorrow. Why yes, I have regressed into the 8-year-old version of myself now that I'm working. Hahaha I go to bed at embarrassingly early hours, pick out my clothes the night before, and pack my lunch before going to bed. All normal things, right?

For the moms :)

As I was replying to a comment left on an earlier post this morning, it struck me how truly blessed I am at this point in my life. Lately I've spent a lot of time complaining about loneliness and friend problems and lack of community at home, but when I really take the time to reflect on my life, I see that I have nothing to complain about. I have a roof over my head (which I don’t have to pay for). I have clothes to eat (I was going to correct this error, but I figured you’d all enjoy a good laugh. Hahaha). Yes, clothes to eat ;) Anyway…I have clothes to wear and food to eat. I have friends and family who love me. I have a running car and a job that starts in January. But most importantly, I have a relationship with Jesus, and I have the opportunity to work on it each and every day. My open schedule allows me to attend mass each day, spend time in prayer, read good books (like True Devotion to Mary!), and watch episode upon episode of the Catholicism series. There are so many people I know who would love to have the amount of free time I have. All of this reminds me of an experience I had this summer.

From the end of May to the end of June, the Newman center at U of I turns into a training center for FOCUS. Hundreds of missionaries gather in the dorm to spend five weeks learning how to evangelize on college campuses. A plethora of priests, brothers, and sisters join the scene at various times throughout the weeks to offer spiritual direction or teach a class. Anyway, many of the missionaries have started families that they don’t want to be away from for more than a month, so Newman becomes the temporary home for loads of babies and toddlers! And since young children don’t make the best class companions, FOCUS hires babysitters for the families. I was lucky enough to be recommended by one of my missionary friends to be a sitter, and I couldn’t have been happier. For five or six weeks, I spent 14ish hours of my day bouncing from one family to the next every few hours while the parents attended class (or in some cases, taught a class). I became pretty good friends with all the parents, which may have been helped by the fact that we were all around the same age! Unlike some of the sitters who babysat for the same family all day every day, I was just an on-call watcher of babies who could be utilized by anyone. This meant that I got to spend time with ALL the beautiful kids at one point or another!! It was fantastic J. Okay, by now you’re probably wondering what the point of this whole post is. Well, get ready ‘cause here it comes.

During the middle of training, I was introduced to a mom with two youngins under 2. Her husband was one of the missionaries in charge of everything so he was gone pretty much allllll day. She hadn’t brought her own babysitter with her, and for a reason I can’t remember now, she hadn’t called upon any of us on the list for a little help every now and again. By the time I met her, she really needed a break. As you can imagine, it’s not easy entertaining little ones all the livelong day when you’re living in a college dorm room…Anyway, we clicked pretty much right away, and I started stopping by every day just to see if she needed an extra pair of hands. She was always so grateful, and at one point she told me that she really appreciated all of the help because she hadn’t been able to make it to a chapel to pray since her first daughter was born…two years ago! It began to dawn on me how much sacrifice it takes to be a mom. There’s no such thing as a “sick day” for stay at home moms—rain or shine, the kids need you. And as much as you love your kids, it’s gotta be lonely just having the company of a baby or toddler during the day until your husband gets home. I realized then how much I was taking my situation for granted; as a young, single, and fairly unemployed woman, I had no (good) excuse for why I wasn’t devoting more time to my relationship with Jesus. I had nothing taking time away from me or really requiring my attention. While I’d like to think that my lack of effort was due to the fact that I just wasn’t really reflecting on what I was (or wasn’t) doing, it’s more likely that I was just being lazy, ungrateful, or unaware of the blessings God was giving me.

I’ve been thinking about that encounter a lot lately, probably due to the fact that I read so many amazing mom blogs. And once again, I see how good God is and how much He longs for us. He gives us exactly what we need, and for me, at this point in my life, it’s time. Time for building my relationship with Him and His Mother. Time for figuring out who I really am and what is important in my life. Time for counting my blessings.

So this week I’ve decided to offer up all my masses for all the moms I know. I only had a very small taste of the sacrifices you make each day for your children, but if your situation is anything like that of the women I met this summer, I’m sure you’ll appreciate the extra prayers J And if any of you live in Illinois and ever need a babysitter, you know where to find me ;)

Some musings on friendship

After thinking a little more about last night's post, I've decided to dedicate this week of blog posts to friendship (aka I thought of something that I didn't get to say yesterday and I need an excuse to bring up my friends again). With my track record, we're looking at anywhere from 2 to 4 posts since I've never had something to say every day for a week. But friendship is something we've all struggled with at one time or another so maybe I'll break my record this week.

Aaaaaaanyway, we're headed back to Saturday night on the floor of my friend's room for today's thoughts. At one point during our emotion-wreaking catch-up session, the conversation turned to being vulnerable. Both of us have been hurt by friends in the past (as I'm sure everyone who's ever had a friend has experienced), and, like you, we developed defense mechanisms for dealing with the pain. Instead of dealing with the emotions, we find ourselves pulling away from other friends and getting lost in our work. We over-schedule our days and stretch ourselves too thin. We join more clubs or volunteer to pick up someone's shift or actually read the book assigned for class. We put all of our energy into proving something--proving we're good students or good athletes or good workers. Anything to keep from having even 5 minutes of unplanned time during the day where we'd be forced to think about how much it hurts when our friends pull away from us. But what we don't realize is how much worse this approach makes it. Sure it might seem like a good plan for awhile--hey we're not getting hurt, right? WRONG. We are hurting; it's just in a different way. Maybe we've stopped ourselves from feeling some of the pain of no longer having that friend in our lives. Actually, is that even true? I don't know about you, but my thoughts seem to go straight to whatever it is I don't want to think about as soon as I get in the shower or settle into bed. So it doesn't even matter how jam packed I make my day, the hurt still finds a way in. But I digress. There are two things I think we lose when we choose to bury our feelings.

First is the chance to learn from the experience and reflect on what, if anything, we could or would do differently next time. I tried to convince myself that I did this after the whole falling out with L from the last post, but oh how wrong I was. My "reflection" consisted of a decision to essentially stop contacting my friends. I would sit around and wait for them to ask me to do something or invite me to go somewhere because I was so worried that I would be imposing myself on them. I wouldn't even suggest something as small as what route we should take to get to class. This worked out about as well as you'd expect and resulted in me becoming pretty good friends with my TV and couch. It wasn't until I started my journey to Catholicism that I started taking more time to see how absolutely asinine this approach was and how little reflection I had really done. I wasn't reflecting at all; I was simply responding to being hurt by doing the exact opposite of what I had been doing. And yes, it was important that I stop doing some of the things I had been doing (texting incessantly, being jealous, and expecting her to hang out with me every weekend I went home). But not all of my actions were bad. And that's what I didn't see before. I should contact my friends and tell them how great they are (because who doesn't love hearing that??). I should be the one who comes up with things to do sometimes (because no one wants to have to suggest things alllll the time). I also learned how important it is to have more than one friend (you don't say...). It just had never been a problem for me before. When you both only have one friend, it just doesn't come up I guess. Anyway, moral of this point: I've realized how important it is to honestly reflect on experiences, especially the painful ones.

The second thing I think we lose by refusing to be vulnerable is our ability to be a good friend to the ones we still have. What does it mean to be a good friend? I think half the battle is being available and the other half is being vulnerable (any other halves you can think of?). Sometimes that's all we need--someone to be there when we need to vent about our sister, cry about our boyfriend, or laugh about our creepy blog-stalking. We may not even need the other person to say anything; it's enough to know they're on the other end of the phone/bed listening to us pour our hearts out. But if we're too busy being busy so that we don't have to deal with our wounds, we can't be available to our friends. And while they may understand in the beginning (after all, we all have to cancel plans for whatever reason every now and then), I've discovered that you'll quickly find yourself wondering why no one has called or texted you all week asking if you want to grab coffee if you never commit to any plans. You just can't be friends with someone you never spend any time with. And when you are spending time with a friend, I think it's important to be present and vulnerable. How many times have you been in the middle of an intense story only to have the person you're talking to check whatever text just came in? Does that bother anyone else? I mean, if we're just sitting around watching TV or talking about my cat following me into the bathroom every.single.time I get up to go, then fine, check the message. But come on, know when it's okay! (I almost tripped getting off my soapbox there.) Anyway, I just think it's important to be vulnerable if we want something more than surface friendships. This is something I'm still struggling with, but within the past year, I've realized how vital that vulnerability is to any good relationship. But it's hard, isn't it? It's hard putting yourself out there without knowing how the other person is going to react to whatever you have to say. It's hard letting someone in when it's caused so much hurt in the past. But isn't it harder never having anyone to share things with? Isn't it harder not being able to bounce ideas or insecurities off of someone else? Maybe it's just me, but I need others' opinions on things. I don't know everything, nor have I experienced everything life has to offer, so I value the insights others can offer. And even though there's a chance that I may get hurt by opening up to a friend, I now know that God gives me those opportunities for a reason. We're not meant to be alone, so we might as well make the most of the friendships we're blessed with, even though it means facing whatever fear or insecurity we're plagued with. I can't promise you'll never get hurt again; we're human and can't help making mistakes. But I can tell you that I've never had better friends than the ones  I've made since letting go of some of my fears and telling myself it's okay to be vulnerable. I have to remind myself of that every time I question whether or not I should leave a comment, make a phone call, or offer a shoulder to cry on.

Don't worry, I'll get back to the lighter posts soon! I promise I don't always spend this much time thinking about things :)

Calling All Friends

I think the only way I can describe my weekend is...interesting. Nothing turned out as I planned (some of it wound up being better(extended time with a friend I haven't seen in what felt like ages!) while some was a bit disappointing (turning into the third wheel at a dinner meant for 2). I'm still trying to figure out how much detail my faithful readers actually want to know, so I'd really appreciate it if you could help me out with that, Morgan ;) And even though I'm sure you're just dying to hear a step-by-step account of everything so you can feel like you were there with me, I think there are easier ways for you to get your nap in today. So instead, it's time to get personal again.

Last night, I was sitting on the floor of a really good friend's room listening to her talk about the struggles she's been having with her friendships lately. It got me thinking.

Have you ever had a friend say something in the middle of an argument that has continued to question your confidence 4 years later? Well I have, and it's not a pleasant experience. My old "best friend" once told me that I was overbearing, and I've never been able to forget it. And even though I'm sure I deserved the comment at the time (I was a freshman in college who was NOT adjusting well at all to that new chapter in life and was desperately missing said friend) it has had serious ramifications on my life ever sense. Because, even worse than not being able to forget what she said is seeing the effects it has on my current friendships. It doesn't matter that I know she was just saying it to hurt me. It doesn't matter that I can look back now and see how crappy our "friendship" actually was, which should negate any opinion she had of me. It doesn't matter that I've never had another friend tell me that ever since. All that seems to matter is that someone that I used to be very close to told me that I was essentially too much. I don't even see, much less talk to, the girl who said it anymore, but still, every time I think about calling up a friend or sending an email/text, I question my decision. When was the last time we talked? Will I be bugging them? Do I actually have anything to say that they'd be interested in? And yes, as I type out these questions, I realize how dumb it is. If they didn't care about what was going on in my life, we wouldn't be friends. Friends don't bug each other. They may call at inconvenient times (while you're showering, working, or writing a blog post), but that's why voicemail was invented. And I know how much I love when my friends do these things for me. I know all of these things in my head, so why can't I know them in my heart, too? Why do I have to focus on that one stupid comment instead of all the positive ones?

Because I haven't allowed myself to truly reflect on the problem. That's the conclusion my friend and I both reached about our situations actually. We've both avoided dealing with the pain that old friendships have caused. Instead, I've ignored it, pretended like we were never friends at all, and simply written off those few years. I thought that was working for me, and maybe for a little while it was. But when it causes me to question whether or not I should comfort a friend in need, it ceases to work. So how do I fix it? How do I transfer the information from my head to my heart? And how do I know if I'm starting to be overbearing? So many questions, so few answers, and I'm running on 3 hours of sleep so I need to head to bed. The more I think about it, the more I think I should probably wait to post this until the morning so that I can make sure it makes sense. But where's the fun in that? Here's hoping something in all this rambling resonates with you :)