Just can't contain my joy!

So I had a whole other post started and almost finished, but I decided it was too complain-y, and after my drive home, I just wanted to sing praises to God for how amazing my weekend was (too much? Well too bad 'cause that's how I felt. And please excuse the run-on nature of that sentence).

Did the weekend go exactly as planned? Of course not. They rarely do. But ladies (I assume only women are reading these rather feminine posts), I can't even explain the joy I felt as I was driving home. I had soooooo many wonderful conversations with some of the best friends a girl could ask for. I got to let out all of the things that have been eating away at me the past few weeks but also reminisce about all the great things that God has been putting in my life (e.g. all you fine women reading this :) ). I received advice on things I've been struggling with (like how to start forming a relationship with our Blessed Mother), and I basked in the gloriousness of beautiful friendships. Honestly, I don't even know what the highlight was, but one of them was definitely having the opportunity for so much prayer. I had so much time to reflect on things as they were happening (or at the very least, right after) instead of months after the fact. And I finally started coming to terms with the fact that I don't have to be 2 minutes away from my friends in order to keep up a good friendship, which was something I just couldn't seem to grasp with all this dang free time on my hands to sit and obsess about how much I miss them and how much it feels like I've been relegated to the "out of sight, out of mind" category. But that's obviously not true, and I guess it just took a wise friend to tell me so before I would believe it. Better luck next time, devil. Oh! And another big highlight was seeing two shooting stars on my way home tonight! A friend likes to think of them as winks from God ;)

I guess the point of this little post is just to express my amazement once again over how quickly God pours out His graces after just a small act of faith from us. Making time for prayer and attending mass seem like such small gestures to me (despite the fact that I still struggle to do them on a daily basis...), but this weekend has taught me (or at least re-instilled in me) how much God yearns for us and how much He desires to show us that He loves us, if we would only let Him. I'm still processing everything that's going on, so if this seems like just one big rambling, I apologize. I just needed to start the reflection process, and blogging seems to be a good outlet for me to do that. I feel so blessed to have friends who challenge me to become a better version of myself (props to Matthew Kelly for that phrase). I can't thank them enough for the constant support they give me and the changes they've caused in my life. They just have a way of getting me to think about things I normally wouldn't think about, and they invite me to do small things (like praying night prayer) that wind up having big consequences (like wanting to develop a better prayer life). And the best part about it is that everything is done over a cup of coffee. They just make having a relationship with Jesus seem so effortless and it makes me want to do everything I can to reach that point. So I ask them how they do it and find new ways to continue to grow.

Okay, I really am just rambling now because I just can't stop smiling and thinking about all the happy things this weekend contained. I hope all of you had weekends as astounding as mine! And if you didn't, that's what I'll be praying for this week. Have a great night :)

P.s. I finally got the new Mumford and Sons CD (along with some Audrey Assad and JJ Heller). AND THEY'RE ALL SO GOOD! I heart music.

Calling All Friends

I think the only way I can describe my weekend is...interesting. Nothing turned out as I planned (some of it wound up being better(extended time with a friend I haven't seen in what felt like ages!) while some was a bit disappointing (turning into the third wheel at a dinner meant for 2). I'm still trying to figure out how much detail my faithful readers actually want to know, so I'd really appreciate it if you could help me out with that, Morgan ;) And even though I'm sure you're just dying to hear a step-by-step account of everything so you can feel like you were there with me, I think there are easier ways for you to get your nap in today. So instead, it's time to get personal again.

Last night, I was sitting on the floor of a really good friend's room listening to her talk about the struggles she's been having with her friendships lately. It got me thinking.

Have you ever had a friend say something in the middle of an argument that has continued to question your confidence 4 years later? Well I have, and it's not a pleasant experience. My old "best friend" once told me that I was overbearing, and I've never been able to forget it. And even though I'm sure I deserved the comment at the time (I was a freshman in college who was NOT adjusting well at all to that new chapter in life and was desperately missing said friend) it has had serious ramifications on my life ever sense. Because, even worse than not being able to forget what she said is seeing the effects it has on my current friendships. It doesn't matter that I know she was just saying it to hurt me. It doesn't matter that I can look back now and see how crappy our "friendship" actually was, which should negate any opinion she had of me. It doesn't matter that I've never had another friend tell me that ever since. All that seems to matter is that someone that I used to be very close to told me that I was essentially too much. I don't even see, much less talk to, the girl who said it anymore, but still, every time I think about calling up a friend or sending an email/text, I question my decision. When was the last time we talked? Will I be bugging them? Do I actually have anything to say that they'd be interested in? And yes, as I type out these questions, I realize how dumb it is. If they didn't care about what was going on in my life, we wouldn't be friends. Friends don't bug each other. They may call at inconvenient times (while you're showering, working, or writing a blog post), but that's why voicemail was invented. And I know how much I love when my friends do these things for me. I know all of these things in my head, so why can't I know them in my heart, too? Why do I have to focus on that one stupid comment instead of all the positive ones?

Because I haven't allowed myself to truly reflect on the problem. That's the conclusion my friend and I both reached about our situations actually. We've both avoided dealing with the pain that old friendships have caused. Instead, I've ignored it, pretended like we were never friends at all, and simply written off those few years. I thought that was working for me, and maybe for a little while it was. But when it causes me to question whether or not I should comfort a friend in need, it ceases to work. So how do I fix it? How do I transfer the information from my head to my heart? And how do I know if I'm starting to be overbearing? So many questions, so few answers, and I'm running on 3 hours of sleep so I need to head to bed. The more I think about it, the more I think I should probably wait to post this until the morning so that I can make sure it makes sense. But where's the fun in that? Here's hoping something in all this rambling resonates with you :)

God is So Good.

Like I said yesterday, I've been busy discovering things about myself lately. It all started this weekend. But I guess I should back up and explain some things first. Now the question is just how far back to go...Well, I guess if I'm going to get personal, I may as well start in the beginning of it all. I hope you're in the mood for a story.

About a year and a half ago, I started my journey of becoming (fully) Catholic. I had been baptized as a baby, but my mom didn't practice so the only experiences I had with anything concerning the faith were a few masses that I went to with my grandparents. Basically, I didn't know anything about anything. That all changed during the middle of my senior year. I was becoming closer friends with a girl who was really starting to look into her faith. She had grown up Catholic but wanted to start understanding it more. Her mom sent her a giant stack of books that she began making her way through at a rapid speed. Every time we hung out (which was almost every day), she'd tell me about whatever it was she was reading at the time. Something about it was really intriguing to me. Then she gave me one of the books to read--Surprised by Truth. Maybe you've heard of it. If not, it's about 11 different people who converted from various other Christian faiths to Catholicism for one reason or another. After reading that, I became hungry for more information. My friend invited me to go to mass with her, so I began attending each week. Boy was it hard at first! I never knew when to stand or when to kneel (or what the significance was to the posture changes) or what the mass responses were (though a few months later, everyone else was in the same boat as me!). Anyway, after a few months of going to mass and continuing to talk about things with my friend, she told me I should look into RCIA classes if I was truly serious about learning more. I made the call the next day and was told that St. John's offered the classes but they wouldn't start until the following school year. So I put my name on the email reminder list and kept doing what I was doing for the next 4 months. Then August finally came and my life was basically turned completely upside down. I started meeting so many amazing friends who I immediately clicked with. I finally felt like I was involved in things, and the joy I was experiencing is hard to describe. I think I met all my best friends last year and I can't believe I've only known them a year or less. I could go on and on about the blessings the Lord poured down on me that year but it would take forever so let's just say it was a very formative year for me, and when I received my first communion and was confirmed at the Easter vigil, I couldn't stop smiling for days.

Now fast forward 6 months, a graduation, a mission trip, and a whole roller coaster of emotions later and we're back in the present time. Here things don't always seem as warm and fuzzy. I'm missing my friends and the support I had last year. I miss running into people everyday who really knew me and, even more than that, wanted to know me. I miss the peace. I miss the reverence at mass. And for the past three months, I've just been lonely and mopey and kind of lost. I've struggled to find a community at home, both for friends and faith. This longing and sadness has been exacerbated by my less than stellar prayer life. It's been pretty dry and nonexistent at home. But I couldn't seem to find the motivation to do something about it. Or I would sit down on my bed and pray for a few days but then I would make excuses for not doing it the next week. Basically, I was spending more time feeling all woe-is-me than I was looking for a solution to the problem.

Then this weekend happened. I went down to champaign in the hopes that I'd be able to distract my friend from her heartache. Turns out I shouldn't add that skill to my resume just yet as I'm not sure I accomplished anything other than saying all the wrong things at all the wrong times, though I'm sure she'd never admit that. I'm just glad she wasn't alone all weekend. At least I fulfilled my role as friend in that respect! Anyway, the weekend proved to be a pivotal time for me, or at least the beginning of a pivotal time. After listening to the talk I mentioned last time and spending some time with Jesus, I ended up having a not-so-mini breakdown in front of my friend Sunday night. All of the frustration and loneliness I had been feeling just sort of poured out, despite my insistence that we didn't need to talk about it. I knew what I needed to do (spend more time in prayer, make God the highest priority in my life, become more intentional about getting to know people, get out of my house, exercise, etc.) but I just couldn't seem to do it. Luckily for me, telling someone about my plans (even if they aren't fully formed yet) makes me more accountable. Mostly because I don't want to have to tell them the next time they ask that I'm still having the same problems because I haven't tried any of the suggestions they gave me last time.

So, I left Champaign late Monday morning with all kinds of hope that this would be the time when I'd actually follow through with my plans of changing my situation at home. I got home and spent some time meditating on scripture. Then I went to Bible study that night prepared to ask the girls for their help in keeping me accountable, too. I shared a little about my situation, and it turns out one of the other girls is going through similar problems, especially in the loneliness department. We wound up being paired up for prayer partners by the end of the night, which gave me the chance to get to know her a little better. After the study was over, I talked to another one of the women, who I'm a little closer to, and got to exchange struggles and prayer requests with her on the way to our cars. It was just so apparent that God was at work that night, telling me to spend more time getting to know these young women so that our friendship can grow. I definitely left feeling better than I arrived.

Then this morning happened. It couldn't have been any clearer that God was answering my prayers. I snoozed my alarm twice, leaving just enough time to throw some clothes on and brush my teeth before rushing out the door for mass. I still ended up being one of the first ones there, though it's not surprising since only 9 other people were there. But back to the point. After mass, one of the women approached me. I would try to guess her age but I'm even worse at that than I am at consoling friends. Let's go with somewhere between 25 and 35, but I can't pinpoint it any more than that. Well, we've seen each other before but neither of us could remember the other one's name so we re-introduced ourselves and ended up talking for 30ish minutes. It was so beautiful. I told her about my problem finding a place to pray and she told me about a chapel that has perpetual adoration! We made plans to go together on Thursday.

This post is getting really long and it's probably sounding more and more like rambling, but I'm just so blown away by how quickly God responded to my prayer requests after just a little bit of faithfulness from me. He's obviously been trying to get my attention for awhile, but I just wouldn't listen to Him. It's sad that it took me this long to respond to His longing for my heart, but I'm glad He made me go through it. I doubt I would have said that or understood the significance of suffering before my conversion (reversion? fulfillment of the sacraments?). And I'm not saying I enjoyed the suffering while it was going on. I don't like feeling alone, but I don't think I would have had my faith renewed had it not happened. I would have continued thinking that I only needed to work on my relationship with God on my own terms, when I felt like it or when my friends brought it up, instead of understanding how important it is to put God first.

I still haven't thought through everything that's happened so I'm probably missing some of the ways the Lord has been working in me the past couple days. But I wanted to get some of my thoughts down, and I thought this was a good way to do it. Hopefully it's easy enough to follow. I'm sure my very faithful readers will let me know ;)

Weekend Update and Beyond

A lot has been going on in my life the past few days. I spent the weekend in good ol' Champaign with one of my best friends. Everyone should have a friend like her--someone who's joyful, caring, strong, compassionate, loving, just plain amazing, and the list goes on and on. She's so wise and her ability to put others at ease is something I really admire. As I was saying... I got down there early Friday night and basically spent the whole time surrounded by people I've missed. I won't go into all the gory details because I'm sure it wouldn't be exciting for anyone, but there were definitely a couple of highlights that I'm gonna hit.

1. There were so many times throughout the weekend that I just found myself sitting back and listening to the flow of the conversation around me, and I couldn't help but think how blessed I am. I have some of the most wonderful friends who support me when I'm feeling down, challenge me to continue growing, fill my life with joy, and offer unending love. And before I get too sappy, I better wrap this point up. I'm just so thankful for the support system God has given me, and it was made very clear to me this weekend how much each of them mean to me.

2. We got to go to the farmer's market Saturday morning, and there's a couple there who make cupcakes with COOKIE DOUGH BAKED IN!! How could I turn that down??

3. Sunday night we cooked dinner for a bunch of student leaders. After everyone finished eating, a couple of them gave their testimonies. One of the speakers was a good friend of mine who talked about the importance of putting God first in your life. I wish I had had pen and paper handy while she was talking so that I could remember all of the great points she made without butchering her message, but all I've got to go off of is my memory...bear with me. Basically she was saying that we won't have the confidence to go up and talk to others about our faith unless we've spent time alone with God and allowed Him to fill our chalice. We need to empty ourselves of everything--our longings, desires, attachments, expectations--so that we can rely fully on Him to fill us with what only He knows we need. It's not until we do this and have our own chalice filled that we can expect to be able to have the trust, conviction, and ability to start those faith conversations with others. We can't give what we don't have ourselves. The message just really struck a chord with me. I've been struggling with making time for my relationship with the Lord lately, and I've been wondering why I've been feeling so down. After hearing this beautiful message, I finally felt the motivation returning.

4. I spent some time in prayer and realized how much I've missed having the opportunity to sit in a silent chapel and just talk to Jesus. I haven't been able to do that much back home because the church is only opened for mass during the week and then they lock the doors right after the closing blessing basically. I know you don't have to be in a chapel to pray, but knowing that I'm in the presence of Jesus just makes me more able to focus my prayer and open my heart. I just don't get the same feel sitting at home on my bed, so I was thankful for the time I had and for the insights I received.

I'm guessing I've almost hit the you're-about-to-lose-me-if-you-go-on-much-longer threshold, so I'll wrap things up. I realize I started this post by saying a lot has been happening, though it may not seem like much from the little bits I shared today. I promise that I'll share more of the exciting ways God's been working in my life tomorrow. Warning--it may start to get personal up in here.

Have an amazing Tuesday!

This post is (very unofficially) sponsored by C.S. Lewis: "I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else."