Do you see what I see

I've started this post a dozen different ways, and I can't seem to figure out what exactly I want to say and how I want to say it. I have the blueprint in my head, but it's just not coming out right on the screen. So bear with me as I muddle my way through. Hopefully it makes sense in the end!

I feel like I spent quite a bit of my weekend talking about confidence and vulnerability, probably because they are two areas in which many of us struggle (if you don't, please tell me your secret!). One of the conversations I had involved our perceptions of ourselves vs. others' perceptions of us. I guess it was kind of like the Dove commercial but in a less superficial way. One friend mentioned that the way he sees himself is rarely, if EVER, the way his friends would describe him. Another friend shared that she consistently worries about people judging her and wonders what they think of her. And still another told me that she feels out of place sometimes because the way she expresses her thoughts and opinions is much different than the way many of her friends do. Honestly, the list goes on and on. We're all broken in some way, insecure about something. We see what others have and we wish we could have it, too. But the funny thing is, we're so focused on whatever desired trait those people have that we aren't able to see the crosses they bear.

Has that ever happened to anyone else? I remember when I first started getting involved last year, I would see people sitting in the chapel hours before/after Mass or wearing a scapular or praying a walking rosary and think "wow, they must be so holy." Or I'd see an interaction between two friends or a friend and her parents and think, "I wish I could have a relationship like that." Or I'd be walking with a friend through the dorm, stopping every 10 feet because someone wanted to say hi to her or give her a hug and would think how lucky she was to be so well-liked. Most of these interactions were with people I was just starting to become friends with so I didn't know them that well. I just assumed they had it all together because, from the outside, it looked like they did. Then, I started getting to know them better, and it became almost instantly clear that while they may not be struggling with the exact things I was, they were still struggling. I think this was a pivotal moment in my friendships because it allowed me to be infinitely more comfortable sharing my own insecurities and doubts. I mean, who wants to tell someone who seems to have everything together that they aren't super happy with who they are? It's hard enough to admit that type of thing to our closest friends...but someone we just meet? Probably not going to happen. Because we're worried what they'll think or how they'll react. What if they judge us or think we're strange? What if they start treating us differently? What will they think of us after we tell them? We're scared to be fully ourselves because we aren't comfortable with who we are and we judge ourselves far more harshly than anyone else ever will. We're our own worst enemies most of the time. Most people probably aren't even aware of our perceived "flaws," and it's certainly not something they dwell on, nor is it the first thing to come to mind when they think of us.

So why is it the first thing that comes to our minds? Or maybe it's not the first thing, but why is it such a dominating element? What will it take for us to accept ourselves and begin to see ourselves as others do, to see our beauty?  Because we are all beautiful sons and daughters of a King, and we deserve to embrace that fact, to own it, and to help each other discover or remember it each and every day. We have so much to offer, so many strengths. Maybe it's time we start focusing on them and sharing those parts of ourselves with the world. How would you describe your friends? That's probably how they would describe you, too :)

I found this post a few months ago, and I'm not exactly sure it fits here but I wanted to share it anyway because I think it's got a really great message :) So you're welcome. Haha.

Thinking & Driving

As I was driving home this morning from Mass and the library, I turned my radio off and just let my mind wander. Usually I have no idea how my thoughts transition from one topic to the next, but it tends to be a pretty interesting experiment. I went from thinking about phone calls I had to make to classes I need to take to trips I want to go on to things to get at the grocery store to blog post ideas to friends I would like to catch up with (and about a million other things in between but those were the more important ones). It was no shock that I eventually ended up on friends. The topic has been on my mind a lot the past year or so, as is evident by almost every post I write... Anyway, I started off thinking about how much I miss certain friends. You know, the ones you can sit and talk to literally for hours. The ones who never seem to run out of advice or stories or laughter or wisdom. The ones who challenge you to pick yourself up when you're down instead of letting you wallow in your perceived injustices. The ones who celebrate your accomplishments even more than you do. The ones who make time for you no matter how busy their schedules are. The ones who know your heart.

I miss seeing those friends. Yes, it's nice to be able to talk on the phone, text, Skype, and send emails, but it's not the same. Obviously I'm grateful for those means of communication since I wouldn't have any contact at all without them, but we all know that nothing beats a face-to-face meeting. (Plus with my shoddy cell reception, I end up missing a quarter of what the person on the other line ends up saying to me and try to make up for it by saying a lot of "uh huhs" and awkward laughter....) It reminds me of the quote toward the end of Shawshank Redemption when Red says "I guess I just miss my friend." Couldn't have said it better myself, Red.

But then another thought started to develop. Amidst the sadness came an overwhelming feeling of gratitude. Yes, I miss my friends. But that means that I have friends to miss. I'm incredibly blessed and grateful to have these types of friends in my life, because that hasn't always been the case for me. I grew up with the idea that friends were just people you complained to about your siblings, played sports with, or went to the movies with. And because I didn't know anything else, I didn't desire anything else. I thought that's what friendships were. It didn't occur to me that friends could be something other than boredom-chaser-away-ers (yes, that's a word). A couple months after I made my first "real" friend, we were sitting outside on her patio talking and she asked me something along the lines of "didn't you ever talk about this kind of stuff with your friends growing up?" When I replied with an awkward no..., she questioned what we did talk about. The only things I could come up with were movies, sports, and homework. Not a lot of growing going on there. And not much joy either.

That's not to say that I only want friends who are going to be joyful all of the time and committed to helping me grow every time we talk. That seems like an absurd and unattainable desire. We all have rough days where we just need our friends to listen to us complain for a little bit, but that shouldn't be the norm. I've had friendships like that before, and they're draining. It's hard to be positive around someone who's consistently down. But that's a discussion for another post. I'd rather focus on current friends, like M. M & I have spent this semester reading The Simple Path by Mother Teresa and Screwtape Letters by CS Lewis. Now we're starting Crossing the Threshold of Hope by Blessed (SOON TO BE SAINT!!!) John Paul II! I'm so excited to get into it. If you're looking for a way to keep in touch with a friend, I definitely recommend doing something like this! Anyway, we read a certain number of chapters each week and then talk about them over Skype. Usually we have so much to say to teach other that we end up talking for more than 2 hours! It was without a doubt one of the highlights of my week. Every single week. Mostly because I couldn't wait to hear what M had to say. That woman is a living saint, and she just has a way of saying the most beautiful things. I love it :) And she's just one of the women I've had the pleasure of getting to know better this winter/spring.

So the fact that I now have friends like the ones I described up there helps me be okay with missing them. Because I'd rather be missing them than hanging out with the alternative.


"O God, let me know you and love you so that I may find my joy in you; and if I cannot do so fully in this life, let me at least make some progress every day, until at last that knowledge, love and joy come to me in all their plenitude...On Earth then I shall have great joy in hope, and in heaven complete joy in the fulfillment of my hope" ~~St. Anselm 

7 Quick Takes: Office Edition

This seemed like the perfect way to get back into my blog, despite the fact that I'm two days late :)

1. Last Monday marked the last day of my accounting internship! I started waaay back in January, knowing absolutely NOTHING about taxes. Haha they really took a leap of faith giving me that internship. Luckily, I learned a thing or two along the way. Apparently they thought so, too, because they ended up offering me a full-time position!! Aaand they gave me the summer off so that I would have enough time to take the classes I still need. Bonus!

2. I was reflecting on the job offer and the break before it starts, and it reminded me a lot of the 5-month break I had in between my Philippines trip and the start of my internship. I can't say that I spent that time in the best way possible. So I feel like God is giving me a do-over. A chance to make some friends, do some growing, and actually enjoy the lack of responsibilities I have. Here's hoping!

3. Oh you weren't tired of hearing me say a variation of the word "intern" yet? Good! I think one of the most surprising things that happened while I was working was that I became closer to my friends. Because I was working 6 days a week, I had to be more intentional about my free time. Which was great!! I got to read 2 books with a friend and have weekly discussions about them over Skype. I got to see my friends on the weekends a few times and made a much better effort to see how they were really doing, instead of just hitting up small talk. It was so rewarding.

4. Two unfortunate events happened while I was interning. One night after work, I stayed late talking to a co-worker. She told me about a tradition in the office known as "Fiesta Wednesday." Basically, most of the partners on our end of the building are gone every Wednesday, so a couple of times a year, the north side brings in a bunch of food and they have a little party. Sounded great to me! I was at the store the following Tuesday picking up something to bring when it suddenly dawned on me that Fiesta Wednesday happened to fall on what we Catholics call Ash Wednesday...womp womp. No fiesta-ing for this girl. And wouldn't you know it, the same thing happened on Good Friday except the reason for this little shindig was that no one in the office had a birthday in March and we needed an excuse to bring in food. Hahaha. I thought it was very ironic that these celebrations happened on the ONLY TWO DAYS where we're asked to fast. What are the odds? Oh well, at least I know I'll be well-fed when I start again! ;)

5. One of my favorite things about being the intern was that people would bring me tax returns to do and say "here's an easy one for ya" as they were putting it on my desk. I doubt I'll get that treatment for much longer!!

6. Some of the women in the office were in the kitchen eating lunch one day, and somehow we got on the subject of how long everyone's been working at the firm and how things have changed since they started. Most of them have been there since before fax machines, voicemail, computer mouses, and Excel existed. That boggled my mind just a little bit! It'll be funny to see what our "voicemails" and "fax machines" will be.

7. I definitely had some reservations about being an accountant. I didn't particularly enjoy the classes I took in college, and I had no idea what to expect when I started working. But it turned out to be a wonderful experience. I reallly enjoy all of the people I work with, and I found that I didn't mind going into work each day. It was such a blessing.

I hope you've all been doing well! Can't wait to catch up on all of your blogs :)

Theme of the month

I don't know if you ladies have ever felt like your semesters have had themes or not (I also don't know how acceptable it is to split your life into semesters once you're out of college but that's consideration for another post. Hahaha), but I feel like a current theme in my life has been friendship. It's been on my mind sooooo much lately, so I figured it made sense to devote a post to it. Hopefully it won't be tooo similar to things I've said in the past, because I realize that this isn't the first time I've written about my thoughts on friendship.

Now on to the new reflections :)

I think I mentioned in my last post that one of the best parts about the conference I went to was the conversations I had with friends. Well, another highlight was a talk I went to about friendship. One of the things the speaker said that really stuck out to me was that we'll likely only have one or two really good, virtuous friends in our lives--friends who will encourage us to grow in holiness, help us become saints, and offer us fraternal corrections when needed. When she said this, I was a little taken aback, not to mention a little disappointed, mostly because those are the kinds of friendships I strive to have. I don't want to have just a bunch of acquaintances who don't really know me. I want to have the kind of virtuous friendships she described. I want friends who will challenge me to become the best version of myself. I want friends who actually want to know how I'm doing when they ask. So that week, while we were still in Orlando, I started thinking of ways to make that happen, and I haven't stopped thinking about it since. Here's what I've been coming up with...

1. Instead of focusing on my lack of friendships at home, I've been concentrating on solidifying the friendships I developed last year. This has been an extremely fruitful exercise. I'm sure part of it has to do with the fact that I'm working now so I don't have as much time to obsess over all the things I'm missing out on by not being around my friends, but I've definitely seen a big difference simply due to the fact that I'm focusing on the positive instead of the negative. Plus, this new outlook has given me the opportunity to get to know my friends better, and it's been so good getting to that next level. I'm hoping to continue the trend with a few more friends each month. It'll definitely be easier with some than others, but I think I'm up for the challenge ;)

2. I've realized, with the help of a wonderful friend (who might be started a blog soon!! eeeeee!!), that I need to consider what wounds from past friendships might be holding me back from becoming better friends with the current people in my life. And not only do I need to recognize them, but I need to be willing to bring them up with the other person so that she can understand where I'm coming from. I hadn't really thought about it before this weekend, but I've actually done that with those few people who I'd consider my closest friends. And now that I know that's what I did, I can continue to do it when I feel like the time is right. Praise God for intuitive friends who are willing to listen to me go on and on about things I've been thinking about!

3. I'm reading A Simple Path by Bl. Mother Teresa, and in the introduction, someone described how people used to feel when she was talking to them. It was something along the lines of Mother Teresa gave her full and undivided attention to the person she was with and made them feel like the most important person in her life. In an effort to emulate her, I decided that anytime I'm talking to someone, I would silence my phone so that I wouldn't be tempted to answer a call or text while we were in the middle of a discussion. Because honestly, there aren't many more annoying things than trying to have a serious conversation with a friend who insists on responding to a text message in the middle of your story. Sure they claim to be listening to you, but we all know we can't listen to someone and type out a message at the same time--neither activity is receiving our full attention so we only end up hearing half of what our friend is saying to us and we end up sending a message that makes no sense. As a result of this newly implemented plan, people have been forced to call the person I'm with to get ahold of me. Hahaha that may or may not defeat the purpose of my exercise...

Well, that's probably enough for now. There's an episode of Parenthood calling my name and I still have to pack my lunch for work tomorrow. Why yes, I have regressed into the 8-year-old version of myself now that I'm working. Hahaha I go to bed at embarrassingly early hours, pick out my clothes the night before, and pack my lunch before going to bed. All normal things, right?

Life Update

Sooooo.....I don't know if you guys remember me or not, but my name is Jordan and a loooooong time ago, I used to be the author of this blog. Then absolutely nothing happened and I didn't post for over than a month. I hope you'll all accept my apologies and welcome me back without any hard feelings. Hahaha and what better way to do that than with a numbered list? ;)

What I've been up to since I last posted:

1. Well, I spent 6 days in Florida at an amazing conference, which you can read about here. In a word it was exactlywhatIneededittobeandmore. (If you say it in one breath, you can pretend it's one word). As you ladies (and whatever men happen to stumble upon this blog...) know, I was having a bit of a rough time last semester. And yes, it's still acceptable to divide your life into semesters even after you've graduated, thank you very much. Anyway, life = not as great as I wanted it to be pre-conference. Then I was surrounded by 6200+ of my closest friends, priests, religious, and missionaries for about a week! Honestly, I don't even know how to describe it, so I'll just focus on the best part for me--the conversations I had. Obviously, the speakers they brought in were phenomenal and I learned so much from them (more on that in a future post perhaps), but I had been yearning for good conversation so much, and I definitely got it. I caught up with friends I hadn't seen in months and others who I'd seen more recently but hadn't had any good heart-to-hearts with. Going into the conference, I prayed that God would bring me genuine joy again, and He went above and beyond that (what a guy ;) ). Soooo yeah. It was amazing. And exactly what I needed before I started my internship.

2. Speaking of internships, I started mine the day after we got back from Seek. Originally I was supposed to start the day we returned, but thankfully, my boss was okay with moving it forward a day! After a 20+ hour bus ride, I definitely needed a day to relax before getting into the swing of things. Anywaaay, I was pretty nervous about this internship. I really didn't have any idea what I would be doing since I've never taken any tax classes or even filed my own taxes. Me and uncertainty don't really mix that well...so I didn't have that great of an attitude about it either. Luckily, it's turned out to be a pretty good experience so far--the people I work with are really nice and very willing to help me out. Plus, they know that I don't have any experience so they're explaining things slowly and not overwhelming me with work (which is both a blessing and a curse since I spend a lot of time just sitting around waiting for them to give me another task...). But! so far, so good. We'll see how crazy it gets once the government finally passes all the tax laws and we can start actually filing this year's returns!

3. I got to spend Friday night celebrating a good friend's birthday and see this girl! After a couple weeks of not seeing my friends, it was great to have an opportunity to spend a good chunk of time with them. Plus we watched Perfect Pitch, which I was a little unsure about but the music was AMAZING!! and it wasn't as inappropriate as I thought it was going to be. Bonus.

4. Then on Saturday, my family celebrated what we like to call Second Christmas. Real original, I know. Since we can't all get together on actual Christmas, we've set up a date in January the past few years so that we can exchange gifts, play games (think Minute to Win It), and enjoy each other's company (sometimes that one is a little questionable. haha). I got all 3 seasons of Parenthood so you better believe that's what I'll be doing this weekend! Plus!!! My grandma got me the 4-volume Liturgy of the Hours set, which I've fallen in love with already. Seems like I should have more to say about this, but how much do I really need to explain opening presents? Haha.

5. Now that I've started my internship and my friend has started student teaching, we've decided to start spiritual bootcamp. Sounds intimidating. Basically we're going to spend the semester (or however long it takes) reading the Diary of St. Faustina. We haven't exactly hashed out all the plans, but I'm really excited to start because I feel like I'll get a lot more out of it (and actually DO the reading) if I've got an accountability partner. I'll keep you posted on how it goes :)

Well, I think that's about it on the updates. I plan on spending my lunch breaks catching up on all the posts I've missed of yours! I hope you all had wonderful Christmas seasons and are surviving this single digit weather (which I am NOT fond of...).

I'll leave you with one of the quotes that stuck out to me at Seek. It's a prayer from St. Anselm:

O my God teach my heart where and how to seek you,
where and how to find you…

You are my God and you are my All and I have never seen you.
You have made me and remade me,
You have bestowed on me all the good things I possess,
Still I do not know you…

I have not yet done that for which I was made….
Teach me to seek you…

I cannot seek you unless you teach me
or find you unless you show yourself to me.
Let me seek you in my desire, let me desire you in my seeking.
Let me find you by loving you, let me love you when I find you.

Patron saint of the year

We're five hours into our 22 hour drive. So far we've made one stop for dinner (aka a strawberry smoothie and a bagel), prayed a bus rosary, and met our fellow riders via "speed dating." But then we did something cool! A Christmas bag was passed around with a bunch of saint names in it and we were all asked to pick one to be our patron saint for the year. I ended up with Saint Margaret of Scotland, who I actually don't know anything about. So now I get to spend the year learning about a wonderful woman and asking her to pray for me.

Oh! And we also got an intention to pray for on our sheets. Mine is for big families. Not quite sure what that has to do with me but I'm excited to discover it this year :)

By the way, we'll be spending a lot of time in adoration this week so please let me know if you have anything you need extra prayers for. Know that I'm keeping you all in my prayers for things you've expressed in the past. I hope to keep you updated on all the amazing things that are sure to happen!

Quick Takes (10)

After being absent from the quick takes scene for a couple weeks, I figured it was high time to re-join Jen and crew for a few updates!

1. Yesterday was my birthday! As a kid, the only reason I liked having my birthday that close to Christmas was because I could ask for presents that I didn’t get two days earlier. It’s a little different now that I’m older and don’t want toys anymore. Haha. I ended up spending the majority of the day with a friend who didn’t even know it was my birthday. Hahaha apparently he forgot to check Facebook ;)

2. As I was opening my sister’s gift to me on Christmas, she says, “I don’t even know if this is something you’d want or like.” Well that’s a promising intro to a present…She got me The Casual Vacancy by JK Rowling. We’re both huge Harry Potter fans, but I actually hadn’t even looked into her new book. Anyone have any opinion on it? Is it worth the read?

3. Since I didn’t do a quick takes last week, I forgot to write about cookie day. Every year around Christmas, my family gets together and spends all day baking cookies. Literally all day. My mom started at 5 or 6 in the morning (I didn’t get there until about 7:30) and we mixed, rolled out, dropped, and baked cookies until 7 or 8 at night. I don’t even know how many we ended up making. Dozens upon dozens upon dozens. A few lucky friends got some in the mail and my fellow daily mass goers gobbled up quite a few as well :) Anyone else have any Christmas traditions?

4. Over the summer, I borrowed a couple seasons of ER from my grandma. I had watched some of the later seasons when they were still new and had seen most of them in rerun form, but I was running out of things to do so I started from season 1 and worked my way through them. Now I’m on 11 or 12. Gotta love old medical dramas.

5. I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas filled with peace, joy, love, and good times with family!

6. In honor of the Holy Feast of the Innocents, I wanted to share this: "Today, dearest brethren, we celebrate the birthday of those children who were slaughtered, as the Gospel tells us, by that exceedingly cruel king, Herod. Let the earth, therefore, rejoice and the Church exult — she, the fruitful mother of so many heavenly champions and of such glorious virtues. Never, in fact, would that impious tyrant have been able to benefit these children by the sweetest kindness as much as he has done by his hatred. For as today's feast reveals, in the measure with which malice in all its fury was poured out upon the holy children, did heaven's blessing stream down upon them."

7. And I’ll leave you with this quote from John Paul II: “People are made for happiness. Rightly, then, you thirst for happiness. Christ has the answer to this desire of yours. But he asks you to trust him. True joy is a victory, something which cannot be obtained without a long and difficult struggle. Christ holds the secret of this victory.”