Calling All Friends

I think the only way I can describe my weekend is...interesting. Nothing turned out as I planned (some of it wound up being better(extended time with a friend I haven't seen in what felt like ages!) while some was a bit disappointing (turning into the third wheel at a dinner meant for 2). I'm still trying to figure out how much detail my faithful readers actually want to know, so I'd really appreciate it if you could help me out with that, Morgan ;) And even though I'm sure you're just dying to hear a step-by-step account of everything so you can feel like you were there with me, I think there are easier ways for you to get your nap in today. So instead, it's time to get personal again.

Last night, I was sitting on the floor of a really good friend's room listening to her talk about the struggles she's been having with her friendships lately. It got me thinking.

Have you ever had a friend say something in the middle of an argument that has continued to question your confidence 4 years later? Well I have, and it's not a pleasant experience. My old "best friend" once told me that I was overbearing, and I've never been able to forget it. And even though I'm sure I deserved the comment at the time (I was a freshman in college who was NOT adjusting well at all to that new chapter in life and was desperately missing said friend) it has had serious ramifications on my life ever sense. Because, even worse than not being able to forget what she said is seeing the effects it has on my current friendships. It doesn't matter that I know she was just saying it to hurt me. It doesn't matter that I can look back now and see how crappy our "friendship" actually was, which should negate any opinion she had of me. It doesn't matter that I've never had another friend tell me that ever since. All that seems to matter is that someone that I used to be very close to told me that I was essentially too much. I don't even see, much less talk to, the girl who said it anymore, but still, every time I think about calling up a friend or sending an email/text, I question my decision. When was the last time we talked? Will I be bugging them? Do I actually have anything to say that they'd be interested in? And yes, as I type out these questions, I realize how dumb it is. If they didn't care about what was going on in my life, we wouldn't be friends. Friends don't bug each other. They may call at inconvenient times (while you're showering, working, or writing a blog post), but that's why voicemail was invented. And I know how much I love when my friends do these things for me. I know all of these things in my head, so why can't I know them in my heart, too? Why do I have to focus on that one stupid comment instead of all the positive ones?

Because I haven't allowed myself to truly reflect on the problem. That's the conclusion my friend and I both reached about our situations actually. We've both avoided dealing with the pain that old friendships have caused. Instead, I've ignored it, pretended like we were never friends at all, and simply written off those few years. I thought that was working for me, and maybe for a little while it was. But when it causes me to question whether or not I should comfort a friend in need, it ceases to work. So how do I fix it? How do I transfer the information from my head to my heart? And how do I know if I'm starting to be overbearing? So many questions, so few answers, and I'm running on 3 hours of sleep so I need to head to bed. The more I think about it, the more I think I should probably wait to post this until the morning so that I can make sure it makes sense. But where's the fun in that? Here's hoping something in all this rambling resonates with you :)